7 Ways to a Healthy and Happy Relationship

Here's just a little primer of 7 signs of a healthy relationship.

1.  Mutual Respect

 If you don't have this - well, it's going to be a tough road.  This doesn't mean you agree with everything your partner says or does.   It does mean that you have admiration for each other, and steady undercurrent of love and trust throughout your relationship. You also have each other's back.

John Gottman, a pioneer in studying couples and marriage, could tell within minutes whether a couple was in it for the long haul or if they weren't going to make it - with startling accuracy.  How could he tell?  If there were any signs of contempt in the couple's interaction with each other, the relationship usually didn't make it.  

Abuse, whether it is physical, verbal, or emotional, defies mutual respect in every way, shape and form.  You have to have mutual respect to have a healthy relationship. 

2.  Arguing, Not Fighting

I've never seen a healthy couple that doesn't argue.  They never fight, however - they argue.  If a couple comes into my office and tells me they've never argued, something isn't quite right.

You can argue without fighting.  Arguing is non-combative - you and your partner state your points of view without name-calling or raising your voice.  Sometimes you agree to disagree - and that's okay.   Figure out what your "non-negotiables" are - the things that you will not budge on.  Now rethink that list.  I like the saying "You can either be right, or married."  Hopefully you and your partner's values (see #6 below) match up pretty well - that makes things much easier!

I'll do another post on how to have a healthy argument.

3.  Agreement on Sex

You're both okay with how often you have sex, how you have sex, where you have sex...and there's mutual participation.  Sex is not withheld as a punishment.  And if you or your partner are not comfortable with an aspect of your sex life, you can talk about it openly, without criticism.

You also find time to have sex.  I don't care how busy or tired the two of you are - there isalways time for sex.

4.  Agreement on Parenting

There are bascially three main styles of parenting:

a) Authoritarian: The rules are the rules are the rules.  No exceptions.

b) Authoritative: This is what I refer to as a "Benevolent Dictatorship".  There are rules, and kids can give their input, but the parents have the final say.

c) Lenient or "Lassiez-faire": There are minimal rules. 

If the two of you don't agree on a parenting style, you need to talk.  Also, if you differ on whether your children should be spanked or not - you need to talk. 

You may have each grown up with different parenting styles - and we each tend to parent the same way we were parented.  If you don't have kids yet but are thinking about it, you must, must, must have this conversation with your partner.

People can change their personality styles.  A lot of that depends on # 6 (below).

5.  Equality with Money

Even if one of you makes more money than the other,  you both have an equal say about where your money goes.  There are no "hidden accounts", and you decide together before you make large purchases. 

If you are the one in charge of the bill paying, you pay the bills on time.  Period.  If you can't pay the bills on time, turn over that job to your partner or hire someone to do it for you. 

You decide on separate accounts if sharing a joint account is getting too complicated or frustrating.  Does that hurt the intimacy of a relationship?  No, it actually helps your intimacy.  You are no longer fighting about money.

6.  Common Goals and Values

Couples with very different interests can have healthy relationships - what counts is that they share common goals and values.  Couples of different religions (or non-religion) and cultural backgrounds can have healthy relationships - what makes a healthy relationship is sharing core beliefs.  You may both share the belief that giving back to your community is important. You may both share the belief that extended family members are welcome to live with you at any time.   Values and beliefs differ for everyone.

Common goals include intangibles like raising happy and healthy children, and tangibles like saving up for a house.  You can work together on setting one-year, five-year, even ten- and twenty-year goals.  Working towards something together strengthens your bond.

7.  Fun

"Sexiness wears thin after a while and beauty fades, but to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day, ah, now that's a real treat." - Joanne Woodward

Enough said.  Make time to have fun.  Life gets too serious without receiving regular doses of humor.

RETAINING THE ROMANCE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

It’s the intent of many people to have a healthy, long-lasting relationship. One of the keys to a sustainable relationship is maintaining the mutual satisfaction of both partners and that can mean taking steps to ensure that the romance stays alive for the long haul. Here are a few fun and easy tips so that you and your partner keep the desire alive and go the distance.

As we hinted at in the previous entry, sexting can be a great way to keep a little bit of spark in your relationship when you don’t have the time to be with your partner as much as you’d like. A study on the sexting habits of US adults found that 56 percent of those surveyed said that the activity improved their relationships. Some sex and relationship experts are supporters of titillating texting and cite it as a fun and exciting way to maintain interest between partners until the time is right.

Keep Trying New Things

It’s no secret that sometimes you have to try something new to keep from falling into a romantic rut. However, an article on reigniting the spark in your relationship explains that something new doesn’t necessarily mean something ridiculous. According to the writer (she’s an assistant professor of psychology at Villanova), simply taking the the time to change things up a bit helps to “expand the ways that you think about yourself and your relationship.” Start small and try something simple that’s still outside of both of your comfort zones. This could be trying a new food together, starting a project you can both work on or beginning a fitness plan. Anything that can get you out of your set schedule can go a long way to keeping your relationship feeling fresh.

THE BEST ADVICE FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE

1. NEVER FORGET THAT YOU ARE A TEAM: The moment you say “I DO” – you are promising to be a team! Not a, “You do 50% and I will put in my 50%” kind of team – it is a 100% from him and a 100% from you, kind of team. Team mates work together. They support each other. They compliment each other. They help each other feel good about themselves. In a team, one is not over the other – they are equal.

2. HIS FAMILY IS NOW YOUR FAMILY: When you get married, two families unite. Make a list of your favorite things about your family and your favorite things about his family – and make your own family! Make sure you spend time with his family and try to form relationships with his parents and siblings. You are one of “them” now – so find your role and play your part.

3. EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES: You will make mistakes. Your husband will make mistakes. We are human and we aren’t perfect. Know though, that even if he makes a mistake – it isn’t the end of the world. Just like every other guy on the planet, he isn’t perfect… and that is okay! In fact, maybe it was his imperfections that made you fall in love with him in the first place. “We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person, perfectly.”

4. FORGIVENESS IS KEY: So… about those mistakes and imperfections – how do we get over them? Forgiveness. Sometimes it is easier said than done, but forgiveness is vital in a marriage. In order to continue progressing together and falling more in love – you must communicate and forgive. Let him know that something is bothering you, talk about it and find a solution. We have learned it is better to just get it off our chests when it happens, rather than keep it in and hold a grudge.

5. CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES: If the cap is always off the toothpaste… should you say something? If the toilet paper roll is never replaced… should you say something? If the dishes aren’t done EXACTLY how you would like them to be done… should you say something? I don’t think there is anything wrong with acknowledging it, but be careful how you word it. I actually learned this the hard way.

I love doing the dishes and I like them to be done a specific way… but one day my husband came up ahead of me and did them. Instead of thanking him, I got upset because they weren’t done how I would like them to be done. Dumbest mistake EVER!! That was so nice of him to help – and what a SILLY thing for me to get upset about. Before you bite his head off, think about if it is REALLY worth it.

6. LAUGHING IS CONTAGIOUS: It is so important in marriage to have FUN! You HAVE to laugh. You HAVE to. It isn’t even a question. A couple that laughs together, stays together! Don’t take things too seriously.

We have a family motto. We actually made it up right when we got married and it is “DBD.” Can anyone guess what that might stand for? It means: DON’T BE DUMB. Not in a mean way – but like, don’t be dumb and get upset over silly things. And don’t be dumb and make bad choices. And don’t be dumb and say mean things. This motto has helped us and we even have it on our entertainment center so we can see it every day.

Don’t forget to have FUN! Don’t forget to date. Don’t forget to play and take some time just for the two of you. Don’t forget to smile. Don’t forget to make each other laugh.

7. CHANGES WILL COME: In my article, The Changes A Baby Brings, you can read all about what kinds of changes I am talking about here. BUT – a baby isn’t the only thing that can bring a change in your marriage. You may move. You may find a new job. You may pick up a new hobby. You may meet new friends. We all change – and that is a good thing. We should always be progressing and becoming better individuals, but I would like to emphasize that these changes and growing matters – should be together as a couple. You should grow together….as a team.

Set goals as a family and work to achieve them. We always love having a little project that we work on together. We find it brings us closer together as we do our parts in achieving our accomplishments. Your love will grow stronger as you spend time together work 

8. WORDS HURT TOO: You know the saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” I am here to say…. that words do hurt. In fact, when they come from a spouse, your very best friend, your eternal companion – they hurt even worse. Think before you speak.

My mom always reminded me growing up, “Kindness begins with me.” As a married woman now, I always try to remember that. Let us be kind to our spouses. Let us say uplifting and positive things to each other.

9. BE BEST FRIENDS FOREVER: We always used the phrase, “BFF” growing up – and you can actually really be BFF {Best Friends Forever} with your spouse! I have 10 Ways To Stay Best Friends With Your Husband here that might give you some guidelines.

I remember on my Honeymoon – I had a little “wife moment.” I looked at my new husband and just stared at him {he thought I was crazy}! It hit me at a random second, while driving along the shore in Maui that I was on vacation, alone, with my HUSBAND! It was just me and him! There was nobody else on this earth that I would have rather been with at that moment. We should always remember that. You marry your best friend and he should stay your best friend.

10. NEVER GIVE UP: Last, but certainly not least is to NEVER give up. Not on him. Not on you. Not on your marriage. When hard times come {and they will!} stay close together through spending time together, praying together, laughing together, forgiving together and just BEING together.

Think about what is most important in your life – it is probably your family, yes? Make sure they are your priority and never give up on them. I love the quote by Thomas S. Monson, “What is most important almost always involves the people around us.”

I know that life isn’t perfect and hard times will come. BUT I do know that love can last, if we focus on what matters most.

ing on something you both want to be successful at.

 

10 SIMPLE STEPS TO BECOME A BETTER WIFE

Have you ever had one of those days where it seems like your husband is doing EVERYTHING wrong?

Maybe he didn’t react the way you wanted him to when you told him the gossip about your friends or family drama. Maybe you felt like he didn’t kiss you like he meant it when he walked in the door from work. Maybe he didn’t do the dishes exactly how you wanted him to. And of course – maybe he didn’t tell you how AMAZING you looked in your new outfit that you just bought.

I have had days like these. I think as wives, we all have. And if you haven’t had a day like this – it is probably coming. Sometimes as women, we know exactly how we want our husbands to be or react in certain situations. But guess what? Unfortunately, that doesn’t always happen. Men think a lot differently than women and what might be SUPER important to you, may be the LAST thing on his mind.

Often times in marriage, we find our comfort zones. The wife does her thing – the husband does his thing – and everything is fine. BUT – what if you feel like your marriage needs a little spice? What if you feel like your love needs to be rekindled? What if you need something to change because he just isn’t acting exactly the way you want him to?

When this happens, we tend to make a long list of things HE needs to fix. In fact, sometimes the list comes easy. “I want him to compliment me more.” “I want him to kiss me and mean it.” “I want him to say I love you sweeter.”

There is a quote – “If you want something to change, YOU have to do something different.” Notice the word – YOU. It isn’t if you want something to change, SOMEONE ELSE has to do something different or your HUSBAND has to do something different. If YOU want change – YOU be the change.

Many times we want our spouse to change, to make our marriage better. But – It isn’t always up to the men to change. Sometimes the change needs to come from us – the women! 

Here are 10 Simple Steps To Become A Better Wife – to help your marriage grow stronger and for you to see that change you are needing.

1. SET YOUR PRIORITIES: And set them correctly. Above all, your husband should be your number one priority. Our lives are super busy as women, but make sure you set some time every single day to spend with your man.

2. BE INTERESTED IN HIS INTERESTS: Make a list of things that you know he LOVES to do and jump in it with him. If he likes to play basketball – go shoot some hoops with him. If he likes to work out – go to the gym or go on a run with him. He will LOVE that you love what he loves.

3. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF: In order to take care of another person {your husband}, you MUST take care of yourself. Set goals for yourself. Take a shower or warm bath. Eat healthy and exercise. Do something that makes you laugh every single day. When we take care of ourselves, we are happier, which in return reflects on how we treat our men.

4. SHOW APPRECIATION: You will be surprised how much of a change can come, by just saying “thank you.” Show him that you appreciate what he does on a daily basis. Show him that you are grateful that he works hard to provide for your family. Let him know that you are proud of him for everything he does.

5. PLAN A ROMANTIC SURPRISE: Get a babysitter and surprise him! Make sure the romance doesn’t die in your relationship. Everyone loves to feel loved. Show him that by taking him on a romantic evening, just the two of you.

6. LET HIM HAVE “GUY TIME” : Sometimes guys just need to be GUYS! They need to play those video games and get their workout on. They need to hang with the buddies and go play sports. If we are too controlling and don’t let them have their “them” time – they will be unhappy. Use that time for yourself too! While he does his guy thing, you go do a girl thing! That is a great time to do something you love too – it is a win win!

7. TELL HIM HIS STRENGTHS: Every guys wants to be complimented. Tell him what he is good at and how great he looks. Boost his little ego some more – that’s what a wife is for!

8. BE HIS TROPHY WIFE: Look good for him! This is another thing we tend to get “comfortable” with – our appearance. I am not saying you have to look flawless and fancy when he walks in the door every day. By all means – sometimes I look a LITTLE homeless by the time he comes home.  But dress up when you go out. Touch up your make-up and look presentable for him every now and then, when he walks in the door. Make him feel PROUD that YOU are his wife and that he gets to come home to you every day.

9. PRAY FOR HIM: A couple that prays together, stays together. Take a few moments every day and pray for him. You can pray for him quietly in your heart or out loud as a couple so he can hear you. He will love to hear your concern for him and that you truly want to be the best wife for him.

10. BE HAPPY: When he walks in the door tonight, have a smile on your face. Instead of having a laundry list of things for him to do – be happy and positive. Nobody wants to come home to someone who is miserable – be enthusiastic and make him smile EVERY day.

13 Ways to Keep Your Husband Happy

Okay ladies, we have already talked about what men can do to keep you happynow let's take a look a few things you can do to show respect to your hubby and keep him smiling.

1. After washing your beautiful locks, don't forget to pick up your hair from the shower drain. It may not bother you but he doesn't like untangling your hair from his big toe.

2. Be understanding of his work schedule. An occasional afternoon call to see when he will be home is fine but when you begin to stalk him daily at 5:01, his boss starts waiting for your call.

3. Let him play with his friends. As long as they are not 5'9, single, intelligent, beautiful and looking for a husband. Seriously, guys need guy friends to hang out with and do boy stuff. Your husband will be happier and won't be so impatient when your girlfriends call you during dinner, breakfast, lunch and sex.

4. Speaking of…, don't let yourself go. That doesn't mean you must maintain a certain weight or length of hair for the sake of your marriage, but it is a gesture of love to take pride in your appearance. You may expect the same from him and you both deserve a mate that is clean, showered, shaved and cares about their health.

5. Buy your own razor. Quit sneaking his razor out of his bathroom to shave your legs and underarms then attempt to conceal the offense by drying it off with his face towel so it doesn't get yours dirty and put it back as if you never used it. (Yes, I have personal experience and he always knows!!!)

6. Compliment him, genuinely and often. Let him know how much you appreciate the little and the big things he does for you and the family. Taking out the trash may be part of his "routine," but acknowledging his efforts will keep him motivated to continue.

7. Don't hide the credit card bills. Be honest with him, even if it hurts. It’s better to hear the truth from you than your creditors.

8. Take the initiative to practice random acts of kindness. Don't wait for Valentine's Day or his birthday to buy him a little "love gift" or write him a love letter. Hug him going out the door in the morning and coming back in the door at night. He's going to wonder what you are up to!

9. Don't talk bad about his parents or his siblings. It’s difficult to kiss someone that just called his mother a tarantula and his father an orangutan. Remember that he is an offspring of that union, which would make him a tarangutan and you the tarangutans bride.

10. Treat him like you did when you first started dating. Don't forget simple words such as "please," "thank you" and "excuse me."

11. Remember all those bodily functions you tried to keep discreet while you were in the throes of wooing him? Just because you have been married several years and are very comfortable around your beloved doesn't mean you can now blow, snort and pick to your heart's content.

12. Plan a date night to do something he loves, even if you don't. Instead of seeing the latest chick flick, compromise and see an action movie and go to dinner at a place you mutually enjoy. Have a couple of glasses of wine so you can sleep through the car chases.

13. Never go to bed angry. Cliché, yes, but true. A well-rested husband is a happy husband—it’s much better to go to bed next to someone that you can curl up next to, rather than someone you must put pillows in between.

The 10 Secrets of Happy Couples

They might be 30, or 75. They come in all colors, shapes, sizes and income brackets. It doesn’t matter how long they’ve been together. Whatever the demographics, when you see a happy couple, you just know it!

How do these couples stay in love, in good times and in bad? Fortunately, the answer isn’t through luck or chance. As a result of hard work and commitment, they figure out the importance of the following relationship “musts.” Because few couples know about all of the musts, I think of them as the relationship “secrets.”

Happy Couples and Their Secrets

1. Develop a realistic view of committed relationships.

Recognize that the crazy infatuation you experienced when your romance was new won’t last. A deeper, richer relationship, and one that should still include romance, will replace it. A long-term relationship has ups and downs, and expecting it will be all sunny and roses all the time is unrealistic.

2. Work on the relationship.

An untended garden develops weeds that can ultimately kill even the heartiest plants. And so it is with relationships. It is important to address problems and misunderstandings immediately. Some people believe good relationships just happen naturally. The truth is that a good relationship, like anything you want to succeed in life, must be worked on and tended to on a regular basis. Neglect the relationship, and it will often go downhill.

3. Spend time together.

There is no substitute for shared quality time. When you make a point of being together, without kids, pets and other interruptions, you will form a bond that will get you through life’s rough spots. Time spent together should be doing a shared activity, not just watching television.

4. Make room for “separateness.”

Perhaps going against conventional wisdom, spending time apart is also an important component of a happy relationship. It is healthy to have some separate interests and activities and to come back to the relationship refreshed and ready to share your experiences. Missing your partner helps remind you how important he or she is to you.

5. Make the most of your differences.

Stop and think: What most attracted you to your partner at the beginning? I’ll almost guarantee that it was exactly the thing that drives you most insane today. Take a fresh look at these differences. Try to focus on their positive aspects and find an appreciation for those exact things that make the two of you different from one another. It’s likely that your differences balance one another out and make you a great team.

6. Don’t expect your partner to change; but at the same time give them more of what they want.

If both you and your partner stop trying to change each other, you will eliminate the source of most of your arguments. At the same time, each of you should focus on giving one another more of what you know the other person wants, even if it doesn’t come naturally. For instance, instead of complaining how your partner never cleans out the dishwasher, try just doing it yourself once in awhile without complaint. Your partner will likely notice your effort and make more of an effort themselves around the house. If you do both of these things at once you’ve got a winning plan!

7. Accept that some problems can’t be solved.

There may be issues upon which you cannot agree. Rather than expending wasted energy, agree to disagree, and attempt to compromise or to work around the issue. Two people cannot spend years together without having legitimate areas of disagreement. The test of a happy relationship is how they choose to work through such issues — through compromise, change, or finding it’s just not that important to stew over.

8. Communicate!

Lack of communication is the number one reason even good relationships fail. And here is a useful format for doing so, especially when dealing with incendiary topics: Listen to your partner’s position, without interrupting him or her. Just listen. When he or she is finished, summarize what you heard him or her say. If you can, empathize with your significant other even though you don’t agree. This will take your partner off of the defensive, and make it easier for them to hear your thoughts and feelings. It’s hard to argue when you use this format, and best of all, you may come up with an understanding or a solution.

9. Honesty is essential.

You may share with your partner the things he or she doesn’t want to hear. Better this than to have him or her doubt your honesty. Mistrust is one of the key deal breakers in relationships. And once trust is lost or broken, it can take a very long time to re-establish it in the relationship.The happiest couples are the ones where honesty is as natural and every day as breathing.

10. Respect your partner, and don’t take him or her for granted.

Treating your sweetheart with respect is likely to get you the same in return. And regularly reminding them how much they mean to you will enrich your relationship in indescribable ways. When you say, “I love you,” pause for a moment to really mean it. And don’t be afraid to express your feelings of appreciation with your partner — he or she will be thankful that you did.

Making these secrets an integral part of your relationship won’t be easy. In fact, your efforts may initially seem like planted seeds that never come up. If you maintain your efforts, however, you will likely reap what you sow