7 Ways to a Healthy and Happy Relationship

Here's just a little primer of 7 signs of a healthy relationship.

1.  Mutual Respect

 If you don't have this - well, it's going to be a tough road.  This doesn't mean you agree with everything your partner says or does.   It does mean that you have admiration for each other, and steady undercurrent of love and trust throughout your relationship. You also have each other's back.

John Gottman, a pioneer in studying couples and marriage, could tell within minutes whether a couple was in it for the long haul or if they weren't going to make it - with startling accuracy.  How could he tell?  If there were any signs of contempt in the couple's interaction with each other, the relationship usually didn't make it.  

Abuse, whether it is physical, verbal, or emotional, defies mutual respect in every way, shape and form.  You have to have mutual respect to have a healthy relationship. 

2.  Arguing, Not Fighting

I've never seen a healthy couple that doesn't argue.  They never fight, however - they argue.  If a couple comes into my office and tells me they've never argued, something isn't quite right.

You can argue without fighting.  Arguing is non-combative - you and your partner state your points of view without name-calling or raising your voice.  Sometimes you agree to disagree - and that's okay.   Figure out what your "non-negotiables" are - the things that you will not budge on.  Now rethink that list.  I like the saying "You can either be right, or married."  Hopefully you and your partner's values (see #6 below) match up pretty well - that makes things much easier!

I'll do another post on how to have a healthy argument.

3.  Agreement on Sex

You're both okay with how often you have sex, how you have sex, where you have sex...and there's mutual participation.  Sex is not withheld as a punishment.  And if you or your partner are not comfortable with an aspect of your sex life, you can talk about it openly, without criticism.

You also find time to have sex.  I don't care how busy or tired the two of you are - there isalways time for sex.

4.  Agreement on Parenting

There are bascially three main styles of parenting:

a) Authoritarian: The rules are the rules are the rules.  No exceptions.

b) Authoritative: This is what I refer to as a "Benevolent Dictatorship".  There are rules, and kids can give their input, but the parents have the final say.

c) Lenient or "Lassiez-faire": There are minimal rules. 

If the two of you don't agree on a parenting style, you need to talk.  Also, if you differ on whether your children should be spanked or not - you need to talk. 

You may have each grown up with different parenting styles - and we each tend to parent the same way we were parented.  If you don't have kids yet but are thinking about it, you must, must, must have this conversation with your partner.

People can change their personality styles.  A lot of that depends on # 6 (below).

5.  Equality with Money

Even if one of you makes more money than the other,  you both have an equal say about where your money goes.  There are no "hidden accounts", and you decide together before you make large purchases. 

If you are the one in charge of the bill paying, you pay the bills on time.  Period.  If you can't pay the bills on time, turn over that job to your partner or hire someone to do it for you. 

You decide on separate accounts if sharing a joint account is getting too complicated or frustrating.  Does that hurt the intimacy of a relationship?  No, it actually helps your intimacy.  You are no longer fighting about money.

6.  Common Goals and Values

Couples with very different interests can have healthy relationships - what counts is that they share common goals and values.  Couples of different religions (or non-religion) and cultural backgrounds can have healthy relationships - what makes a healthy relationship is sharing core beliefs.  You may both share the belief that giving back to your community is important. You may both share the belief that extended family members are welcome to live with you at any time.   Values and beliefs differ for everyone.

Common goals include intangibles like raising happy and healthy children, and tangibles like saving up for a house.  You can work together on setting one-year, five-year, even ten- and twenty-year goals.  Working towards something together strengthens your bond.

7.  Fun

"Sexiness wears thin after a while and beauty fades, but to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day, ah, now that's a real treat." - Joanne Woodward

Enough said.  Make time to have fun.  Life gets too serious without receiving regular doses of humor.

What Kind Of Person Will Your Daughter Become?

British psychologists carried out a research into how childhood bonds affect the person of a woman in adulthood, The Psychological Science reports.
They used their findings to divide women into four groups depending on what kind of bond they developed in childhood. Check these groups below.
1. Dad’s daughters. They grow into self-confident, success-oriented women who get along with men well, but tend to be too emotional and capricious.
2. Mom’s daughters. Mom’s daughters are likely to become the most feminine of all. They tend to be more responsible as adults but are shy and have difficulties coping with personal problems.
3. Grandmom’s grand-daughters. They will likely to become idealists who are very exacting about themselves and the others, preserving that all-or nothing childish attitude.
4. Granddad’s grand-daughters. This type tends to grow into understanding and compassionate persons but suffer from low self-esteem throughout their adulthood.

Save Your Marriages!

We all believe that when we stand with our loved ones and say `I do` we will live happily ever after. Sadly, that is very often not the case. Not only is the divorce rate soaring, but the length of marriages is shortening.

A marriage on the rocks doesn`t necessarily have to end up in the divorce courts. With effort from both parties, even the most fragile marriage can not only be saved, but take on a whole new lease of life. The first step is to be honest with each other, if you are unhappy your partner needs to know why. They aren`t psychic, and if they have done something wrong, they need to know what it is before they can fix it.

There maybe no specific thing and it could be an accumulation of events that have left you both in this turmoil. Again, communication is vital. Maybe your friends or relatives` calling in at all times of day and night is really starting to annoy your partner, or vice versa. This is easily solved, you have time with them and time with your partner. Friends and family have been known to ruin many a marriage, don`t let them ruin yours! This is the family home and you all have the right to come home and relax without a barrage of visitors, so resolve this problem before it gets any worse.

If one partner has a drink or drug problem, the other has a big dilemma. Providing the problem doesn`t result in violence of any kind, you can save this marriage. If you love them and want to support them, don`t make yourself into a martyr, you would expect them to do the same if it was you wouldn`t you? If the problem is escalating and the whole family is being badly affected, that`s a whole different ball game, but if this is an occasional weakness that isn`t hurting anyone but them, you can save this marriage.

Infidelity from either side is very hard to deal with, and the reason many of us throw in the towel and start divorce proceedings. There is an old adage `once a cheater, always a cheater`, but before you do anything hear them out. This may open a whole can of worms and you may hear things that you don`t like, but honesty is vital and at least then you can make an informed decision and not rush into something you may later regret.

If there is no specific reason for you considering divorce, again don`t rush into anything. How long have you felt like this? How do you feel when you look at your partner? Sit down and think how you would feel if your partner wasn`t there anymore. Consider all the little things that you used to love about them, do you still love them or are they just infuriating now? Divorce is a very painful and very final experience to go through, and should never be rushed into. By keeping the lines of communication open and discussing things honestly and openly a lot of divorces could be avoided. Inevitably, some marriages will run their course and result in divorce, but if your marriage can be saved, do your best not to become just another statistic.