7 Ways to a Healthy and Happy Relationship

Here's just a little primer of 7 signs of a healthy relationship.

1.  Mutual Respect

 If you don't have this - well, it's going to be a tough road.  This doesn't mean you agree with everything your partner says or does.   It does mean that you have admiration for each other, and steady undercurrent of love and trust throughout your relationship. You also have each other's back.

John Gottman, a pioneer in studying couples and marriage, could tell within minutes whether a couple was in it for the long haul or if they weren't going to make it - with startling accuracy.  How could he tell?  If there were any signs of contempt in the couple's interaction with each other, the relationship usually didn't make it.  

Abuse, whether it is physical, verbal, or emotional, defies mutual respect in every way, shape and form.  You have to have mutual respect to have a healthy relationship. 

2.  Arguing, Not Fighting

I've never seen a healthy couple that doesn't argue.  They never fight, however - they argue.  If a couple comes into my office and tells me they've never argued, something isn't quite right.

You can argue without fighting.  Arguing is non-combative - you and your partner state your points of view without name-calling or raising your voice.  Sometimes you agree to disagree - and that's okay.   Figure out what your "non-negotiables" are - the things that you will not budge on.  Now rethink that list.  I like the saying "You can either be right, or married."  Hopefully you and your partner's values (see #6 below) match up pretty well - that makes things much easier!

I'll do another post on how to have a healthy argument.

3.  Agreement on Sex

You're both okay with how often you have sex, how you have sex, where you have sex...and there's mutual participation.  Sex is not withheld as a punishment.  And if you or your partner are not comfortable with an aspect of your sex life, you can talk about it openly, without criticism.

You also find time to have sex.  I don't care how busy or tired the two of you are - there isalways time for sex.

4.  Agreement on Parenting

There are bascially three main styles of parenting:

a) Authoritarian: The rules are the rules are the rules.  No exceptions.

b) Authoritative: This is what I refer to as a "Benevolent Dictatorship".  There are rules, and kids can give their input, but the parents have the final say.

c) Lenient or "Lassiez-faire": There are minimal rules. 

If the two of you don't agree on a parenting style, you need to talk.  Also, if you differ on whether your children should be spanked or not - you need to talk. 

You may have each grown up with different parenting styles - and we each tend to parent the same way we were parented.  If you don't have kids yet but are thinking about it, you must, must, must have this conversation with your partner.

People can change their personality styles.  A lot of that depends on # 6 (below).

5.  Equality with Money

Even if one of you makes more money than the other,  you both have an equal say about where your money goes.  There are no "hidden accounts", and you decide together before you make large purchases. 

If you are the one in charge of the bill paying, you pay the bills on time.  Period.  If you can't pay the bills on time, turn over that job to your partner or hire someone to do it for you. 

You decide on separate accounts if sharing a joint account is getting too complicated or frustrating.  Does that hurt the intimacy of a relationship?  No, it actually helps your intimacy.  You are no longer fighting about money.

6.  Common Goals and Values

Couples with very different interests can have healthy relationships - what counts is that they share common goals and values.  Couples of different religions (or non-religion) and cultural backgrounds can have healthy relationships - what makes a healthy relationship is sharing core beliefs.  You may both share the belief that giving back to your community is important. You may both share the belief that extended family members are welcome to live with you at any time.   Values and beliefs differ for everyone.

Common goals include intangibles like raising happy and healthy children, and tangibles like saving up for a house.  You can work together on setting one-year, five-year, even ten- and twenty-year goals.  Working towards something together strengthens your bond.

7.  Fun

"Sexiness wears thin after a while and beauty fades, but to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day, ah, now that's a real treat." - Joanne Woodward

Enough said.  Make time to have fun.  Life gets too serious without receiving regular doses of humor.

THE BEST ADVICE FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE

1. NEVER FORGET THAT YOU ARE A TEAM: The moment you say “I DO” – you are promising to be a team! Not a, “You do 50% and I will put in my 50%” kind of team – it is a 100% from him and a 100% from you, kind of team. Team mates work together. They support each other. They compliment each other. They help each other feel good about themselves. In a team, one is not over the other – they are equal.

2. HIS FAMILY IS NOW YOUR FAMILY: When you get married, two families unite. Make a list of your favorite things about your family and your favorite things about his family – and make your own family! Make sure you spend time with his family and try to form relationships with his parents and siblings. You are one of “them” now – so find your role and play your part.

3. EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES: You will make mistakes. Your husband will make mistakes. We are human and we aren’t perfect. Know though, that even if he makes a mistake – it isn’t the end of the world. Just like every other guy on the planet, he isn’t perfect… and that is okay! In fact, maybe it was his imperfections that made you fall in love with him in the first place. “We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person, perfectly.”

4. FORGIVENESS IS KEY: So… about those mistakes and imperfections – how do we get over them? Forgiveness. Sometimes it is easier said than done, but forgiveness is vital in a marriage. In order to continue progressing together and falling more in love – you must communicate and forgive. Let him know that something is bothering you, talk about it and find a solution. We have learned it is better to just get it off our chests when it happens, rather than keep it in and hold a grudge.

5. CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES: If the cap is always off the toothpaste… should you say something? If the toilet paper roll is never replaced… should you say something? If the dishes aren’t done EXACTLY how you would like them to be done… should you say something? I don’t think there is anything wrong with acknowledging it, but be careful how you word it. I actually learned this the hard way.

I love doing the dishes and I like them to be done a specific way… but one day my husband came up ahead of me and did them. Instead of thanking him, I got upset because they weren’t done how I would like them to be done. Dumbest mistake EVER!! That was so nice of him to help – and what a SILLY thing for me to get upset about. Before you bite his head off, think about if it is REALLY worth it.

6. LAUGHING IS CONTAGIOUS: It is so important in marriage to have FUN! You HAVE to laugh. You HAVE to. It isn’t even a question. A couple that laughs together, stays together! Don’t take things too seriously.

We have a family motto. We actually made it up right when we got married and it is “DBD.” Can anyone guess what that might stand for? It means: DON’T BE DUMB. Not in a mean way – but like, don’t be dumb and get upset over silly things. And don’t be dumb and make bad choices. And don’t be dumb and say mean things. This motto has helped us and we even have it on our entertainment center so we can see it every day.

Don’t forget to have FUN! Don’t forget to date. Don’t forget to play and take some time just for the two of you. Don’t forget to smile. Don’t forget to make each other laugh.

7. CHANGES WILL COME: In my article, The Changes A Baby Brings, you can read all about what kinds of changes I am talking about here. BUT – a baby isn’t the only thing that can bring a change in your marriage. You may move. You may find a new job. You may pick up a new hobby. You may meet new friends. We all change – and that is a good thing. We should always be progressing and becoming better individuals, but I would like to emphasize that these changes and growing matters – should be together as a couple. You should grow together….as a team.

Set goals as a family and work to achieve them. We always love having a little project that we work on together. We find it brings us closer together as we do our parts in achieving our accomplishments. Your love will grow stronger as you spend time together work 

8. WORDS HURT TOO: You know the saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” I am here to say…. that words do hurt. In fact, when they come from a spouse, your very best friend, your eternal companion – they hurt even worse. Think before you speak.

My mom always reminded me growing up, “Kindness begins with me.” As a married woman now, I always try to remember that. Let us be kind to our spouses. Let us say uplifting and positive things to each other.

9. BE BEST FRIENDS FOREVER: We always used the phrase, “BFF” growing up – and you can actually really be BFF {Best Friends Forever} with your spouse! I have 10 Ways To Stay Best Friends With Your Husband here that might give you some guidelines.

I remember on my Honeymoon – I had a little “wife moment.” I looked at my new husband and just stared at him {he thought I was crazy}! It hit me at a random second, while driving along the shore in Maui that I was on vacation, alone, with my HUSBAND! It was just me and him! There was nobody else on this earth that I would have rather been with at that moment. We should always remember that. You marry your best friend and he should stay your best friend.

10. NEVER GIVE UP: Last, but certainly not least is to NEVER give up. Not on him. Not on you. Not on your marriage. When hard times come {and they will!} stay close together through spending time together, praying together, laughing together, forgiving together and just BEING together.

Think about what is most important in your life – it is probably your family, yes? Make sure they are your priority and never give up on them. I love the quote by Thomas S. Monson, “What is most important almost always involves the people around us.”

I know that life isn’t perfect and hard times will come. BUT I do know that love can last, if we focus on what matters most.

ing on something you both want to be successful at.