The Secrets of Happy Families

When I asked couples [in the Happy Families Survey] about the factors that mattered most in families, I provided several options but also left room for people to write in answers. The most common write-in vote was communication. Or, in the words of forty-five-year-old Dikendra: "Communication, communication, communication and, of course, communication. Oh, let’s not forget the most important: communication." Think she was trying to tell me something? Of course, many of the adults in the survey were describing general communication within the family. I’m on board with that. But if you can’t learn good communication styles as a couple, you’ll have a hard time imparting them to your offspring.

What Exactly Is Communication?
You may be thinking, If so many people wrote in "communication," why wasn’t it one of the survey choices? It is simply because communication has too many different definitions, and offering the simple word "communication" on a multiple-choice survey might have resulted in misleading conclusions. Many people think "talking to each other" means communication, and it does. But how come when I tell my wife, "Of course I’d love to go T. J. Maxx with you, honey!" she gets upset with me? Because she knows I really don’t want to go to the store, and she can hear it in my tone. So I guess tone is also another way to communicate. Spoken words, verbal tone, and written messages are all ways of communicating. In fact, the form of communication with the greatest impact is in what we say—without a word.

Communicating Without Words

I first saw examples of powerful "nonverbal couple talk" early in my life while watching my hands-down-favorite TV show, Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom. Yeah, now you know I’m ancient, but I like to think that my advanced age gives me perspective. Anyway, back in the 1960s, every week the host introduced me to new animal species whose members very often had fascinating ways of relating to each other. Usually it involved sticking their noses in some body cavity, but depending on the animal, it could include ramming heads, showing off colorful plumage, or picking through the other’s hair for little bugs. There was no doubt in my mind that these animals were connecting with each other through their actions in a far more direct and intimate way than they would even if they did possess the power of speech.

Which brings me to human animals. Humans are rare among animals in that their main mode of connecting is through verbal interactions: e-mails, phone calls, letters, songs, and heart-to-heart conversations that continue well into the night. And they are the only species to commit their speech to the written word. So it’s natural to think that communication = words. But it ain’t necessarily so.

Take it from a guy who makes his living by asking couples to talk about their relationships: just because someone is uncomfortable using words to express feelings and needs, even joy and appreciation, doesn’t mean that the person isn’t communicating.

Although men and women may not show their feelings by ramming heads or showing off colorful plumage, they sure can communicate profound feelings through their actions rather than their words. How? To borrow a line from Elizabeth Barrett Browning, let me count the ways:

1. Holding hands
2. Giving back rubs and neck rubs
3. Looking at each other from across the room
4. Crying in a partner’s arms
5. Letting a partner cry in his or her arms
6. Buying gifts or sending cards
7. Taking the spider out of the living room while the other stands on the sofa with her (or his!) eyes screwed shut
8. Offering a coat or jacket to help warm up a partner
9. Having a cup of hot chocolate ready when a partner comes in from shoveling the walk

These examples of nonverbal language are endearing ones that we all need to use more often and need to be on the lookout for when they’re used by our mates. But nonverbal communication is not always the language of love. Scowling at your mate’s social faux pas, pacing by the door waiting for your partner to pick out just the right outfit for a simple dinner out, and looking the other way when he or she tries to get your attention are also all forms of communication.

I’m sure you already know that these negative forms of communication are a lot less beneficial to the health of your relationship than the positive ones. In fact, they can be downright destructive—even to your physical health. Researchers found that "negative marital interactions," including nonverbal clues like eye-rolling, lead to decreases in immune function. In fact, James Coan, a neuroscientist from the University of Virginia, concludes, "How often someone rolls their eyes at you can predict how often you need to go to the doctor."

Dr. John Gottman has used his "Love Lab" to quantitatively assess what happens in marriage, and finds that couples continuously send each other "bids" all the time (both verbal and nonverbal)—up to a hundred times over a simple dinner. The bid may be any spoken statement ranging from "You’re cute!" to "When did the gardener come?" And it can be a nonverbal statement, such as a sigh, a downtrodden look, or a raised eyebrow. Simply put, a bid is an effort to draw the other person into a connection. It’s the first step in communication.

How a person responds to a bid is one way of determining the quality of the relationship. Husbands in stable relationships ignore 19 percent of their wives’ bids; husbands headed for divorce ignore them 82 percent of the time. Women tend to be better at responding to bids, ignoring only 14 percent if they’re likely to stay married and 50 percent if they are headed for divorce.

So to strengthen your family life today, focus on your patterns of nonverbal communication with your partner. Keep count of how many positive signals you send versus the negative ones. Assuming that you’re shooting for the ideal five-to-one ratio of positive gestures (smiling, laughing, giving high-fives or "bumps," and nodding agreement) to negative (ignoring, sneering, eye-rolling, glazed-over expression), the result of one day’s tally will give you a good idea of where you stand on the communication issue—regardless of whether or not you sit down to have those heart-to-hearts.

Keys to a Happy Marriage

A happy marriage can be a bit hard to find. However, it doesn't have to be that way. There are many ways to make sure you remain as much in love with your spouse as when you first got married. Here are just a few suggestions:

1) Spend private time together. Make a date at least once a week to do something as a couple. Take a walk, play a game of cards, see a movie or go to the zoo. Just spend time with just the two of you, and get to know each other all over again.

2) Spend time apart. Taking time for yourself to do the things that interest you will make you happier and more fulfilled, therefore making you easier to live with and more interesting to your spouse.

3) Be spontaneous. The detours you take in life can bring fun, excitement and adventure, and are easy to implement. For example, skip church once in a while, and sleep in. Going to the zoo, but see a beach on the way? Stop and take a romantic walk together. Try to do at least one spontaneous activity together per week, and you'll be amazed at the new life your marriage has.
4) Have a journal in a prominent place. Write each other love notes about anything, including what you love about each other, memories of your first date, or a thank-you for completed chores or tasks.

5) Don't fight in front of other people. It embarrasses you both and undermines your relationship. It also may prevent you from being completely honest. If issues come up while company is present, either go into a separate room to talk, or agree to discuss the issues later.

6) Touch. Remember in the early stages of your relationship when you couldn't keep your hands off of one another? Do that again, and marvel at how good it feels.

7) Listen. Talk to one another about everything and nothing. Ask about your spouse's day, and listen to the answers. Ask how your spouse feels, and tell him/her how you feel. Respect each other's comments. Make sure you understand what is being said by clarifying statements.

8) Don't insult or make fun of your spouse's relatives or friends. Even if it's just in fun, these comments can hurt your spouse and your relationship.

9) Don't go to bed angry. Although there may be times when sleep is more important than making up, try to go to bed on a good note by saying something like, "I'm still angry about this issue, but I'm tired and want to go to sleep. I'd like to talk about this later. I still love you. I will always love you, and I'm glad we are married."

10) Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. For example, if he is late getting home, assume that he is stuck in traffic and cannot get to a phone, not that he is merely being inconsiderate.
11) Remember the big picture. If your spouse irritates you, think, "Is this going to matter in a few hours? Do I really want to make a major issue out of this, or is this something I can live with?"

10 Little Ways To Show Your Husband You Care

Before I even start the list, I will state the obvious; every woman already knows what to do to make her husband happy, at least for a short time. I am including it just so the men don’t feel cheated or think that I don’t understand what they really, really want. Make his favorite dinner occasionally. Bring him a beer when he’s watching the game. Take off your clothes. Anytime is fine.

1. Let him know you are his biggest fan. Tell him how great he is, how much you appreciate the little things he does to help you (no matter how small), and how much he’s loved. I am not suggesting you lie. If you are not his biggest fan, you should be!

2. It is best to avoid asking questions such as “What are you thinking about, honey?” Men hate this because they know they will get themselves into trouble if they tell you what they were really thinking. Or they can't remember.

3. Always speak highly of him to others. Don’t call up your best friend to tell her about his latest stupid mistake.

4. Don’t cut him down. It may be tempting to tell him exactly what you think of him during an argument, but hold your tongue. Deep down, somewhere, you love this man, and shredding him to bits will only make the situation worse. Don’t remind him of his weaknesses at every opportunity. Most men are fully aware of their weaknesses and do not need reminding.

5. Be quick to apologize for snapping at him when you are tired and cranky.

6. Listen to what he has to say. This may include topics that you neither understand nor care to be enlightened about, such as the rules of fantasy football or a comparison of programming codes.

7. Although it is widely believed that men are dogs, don’t treat him like one. Don’t attempt to keep him on a short leash, or even long chain. I know the idea of a shock collar (as used in dog training) is appealing, but really, he’s a big boy now.

8. Appreciate who he is and don’t try to change him. You knew who he was when you married him. Trying to make him into something different is: A. a waste of your time because it will not work and B. just annoying. He was flawless in your eyes when you first met. Is he really not good enough now? I know, you have grown and changed and expanded. Let him appreciate you, but stay the same.

9. Encourage his hobbies, even if you aren’t fond of them. My husband loves motorcycles. People are always saying things like “I can’t believe your wife let you have a bike” and “How could you let him do that?” Let him? That’s not how it is supposed to work. He is my husband, not my child. Yes, I worry. I ask him call to check in. I also love to see the smile on his face when returns safely from a nice long ride.

10. Don’t make fun of his team, even if they always lose. It is likely that your husband has been programmed since birth to be a fan of a particular sports team. This rule additionally applies to Star Trek and Star Wars fans. If your husband is still a fan of the band KISS, then you have permission to go wild with abuse

Save Your Marriages!

We all believe that when we stand with our loved ones and say `I do` we will live happily ever after. Sadly, that is very often not the case. Not only is the divorce rate soaring, but the length of marriages is shortening.

A marriage on the rocks doesn`t necessarily have to end up in the divorce courts. With effort from both parties, even the most fragile marriage can not only be saved, but take on a whole new lease of life. The first step is to be honest with each other, if you are unhappy your partner needs to know why. They aren`t psychic, and if they have done something wrong, they need to know what it is before they can fix it.

There maybe no specific thing and it could be an accumulation of events that have left you both in this turmoil. Again, communication is vital. Maybe your friends or relatives` calling in at all times of day and night is really starting to annoy your partner, or vice versa. This is easily solved, you have time with them and time with your partner. Friends and family have been known to ruin many a marriage, don`t let them ruin yours! This is the family home and you all have the right to come home and relax without a barrage of visitors, so resolve this problem before it gets any worse.

If one partner has a drink or drug problem, the other has a big dilemma. Providing the problem doesn`t result in violence of any kind, you can save this marriage. If you love them and want to support them, don`t make yourself into a martyr, you would expect them to do the same if it was you wouldn`t you? If the problem is escalating and the whole family is being badly affected, that`s a whole different ball game, but if this is an occasional weakness that isn`t hurting anyone but them, you can save this marriage.

Infidelity from either side is very hard to deal with, and the reason many of us throw in the towel and start divorce proceedings. There is an old adage `once a cheater, always a cheater`, but before you do anything hear them out. This may open a whole can of worms and you may hear things that you don`t like, but honesty is vital and at least then you can make an informed decision and not rush into something you may later regret.

If there is no specific reason for you considering divorce, again don`t rush into anything. How long have you felt like this? How do you feel when you look at your partner? Sit down and think how you would feel if your partner wasn`t there anymore. Consider all the little things that you used to love about them, do you still love them or are they just infuriating now? Divorce is a very painful and very final experience to go through, and should never be rushed into. By keeping the lines of communication open and discussing things honestly and openly a lot of divorces could be avoided. Inevitably, some marriages will run their course and result in divorce, but if your marriage can be saved, do your best not to become just another statistic.

Overcoming The Family’s Economic Difficulties

Normally, husband is the backbone of families that drives the economy. But sometimes, the husband is not able to do much to meet the needs of families. Not to mention the attitude of the husband who did not want to understand the needs of the household and as such delegate every household affairs to his wife. Family economic hardship is often triggered a conflict a husband-wife. Moreover, if both parties not tried to find a solution of the problem, but blame each other even be a problem making a weight.

Therefore you have to realize many things that can cause economic problems evolved into a family conflict, such as:

Reactive attitudes and emotional
Sometimes without realize, you have be emotional in the economic difficult conditions. Does not accept the fact, you behave exactly emotional as the expression of feelings disappointment, fear and panic.

Trapped in the psychological pressure
Loss of livelihood, exposed to bankruptcy and dismissed from the job necessarily a negative impact on the someone emotional stability. Moreover, people who are not ready mentally to accept an extraordinary occurrence, which can lead to mental shock.

Not able to motivate themselves
It is felt the most bitter that someone who lost their livelihoods is a destruction of pride and trust in yourself. Person be feeling afraid, as fear of failure, fear to refused and make the pessimistic argument.

The description above gives a little description that you really need to help your husband and support in order to come out of the problem. The following steps can help couples presumably out of complexity:

Providing emotional support.
Give attention to your couples to discuss on the problem. Make yourself as a couples to restore the spirit of life and confidence. Rileks him with go to a place that can refresh and calm his head.

Invites couples out of the problem.
Give motivation for making plan in order to get a new work with a new spirit. Which is considered , it is important not to blame and press your couples. If difficult to obtain new jobs, you can encourage couples to create their own employment. Do not be afraid to start, do not let themselves defeated by fear a failure.

Motivate your couples to start.
The key to build a successful business is doing it right now. Do not afraid because of capital. To start a business not always need a big capital. To support the success, you and your couples have to active and expand the association.
Hopefully you are become more wise in solving the problems which found

Women’s Role As Wife In Household

God creates men and women complete with its software and hardware. Every men and women also have rights and obligations of each. As a human being, especially women want to truly noble and worthy; she must refine his role as a woman. And the role of a woman will be truly in charged when she become a wife and mother. When running her tasks, a wife should have “a strong charm in the soul”. Thus, even though she is getting older, her charm in her soul, still give the peace and happiness for the whole of family.

Making home as a paradise for families
A wife should be able to make home like paradise, despite only living in a small house. Make a pleasure situation for your husband and children. Come to your husband with a cheerful and full face of charm, interesting appearance with interesting dress and make him feel comfortable.

Becomes a good listener
When your husband having difficulties and being stalemate, as a wife, you should still respect and provide motivation to continue fighting. Not even berate to your husband, grumble or complain every day without solution. All this can only be done by a wife who has a strong faith and a sincere heart.

Ready for being pregnant and birth of child
Be destined for women to birth a child on the earth. Therefore, as a woman, a wife must be willing and ready for being pregnant and birth. Not uncommon for a wife who is reluctant to do this because afraid if her body will be damage.

Educate children
A mother has an obligation to educate their children. For the career woman and as a mother who worked outside, realize that you have a debt to your children at home. Do not let, the children have a mother, but have not felt a mother. Do not ever expect rewards in raising and educating your children. In the future, good leaders will be born, if they are born from a good family, so that the mother has a play important role in shaping and educating great personality.

Beauty is grace that can not be estimated. But if not careful, beauty will become a source of issues that will complicate the owner himself